New Year, New Step

Happy 2024!

I cannot believe that January is already upon us.

2023 was one of my most active and stressful years.

It was full of hard work, new experiences, falling in love, heartbreak, illness, and multiple cross-country flights.

I graduated American University and was accepted into Pacific Northwest College of Art.

I lived over a month in Portland, Oregon where I'm writing this from now.

There are so many things that made 2023 a big year for me, but I'm ready to move forward.

Sometimes it can be difficult for me to be present or focused on the future.

I have a very imaginative mind and I also struggle with personal things like PTSD which pulls me into my past. I never thought that I'd be able to live the life I am today. The freedom, the opportunities, the support, the independence, they are all things I have now that at one point was devoid in my life. I am so incredibly grateful but also very confused.

As I've taken the step from leaving undergrad and going to grad school, I feel the weight of my past making me question my future.

Am I good enough at writing to even be in this graduate level program?

Is it selfish of me to want to pursue this future for myself and no one else?

I am mourning the future that I so badly wanted to build with someone, how do I simultaneously grieve and move forward on my own?

These are all things I've been asking myself. I have no clear answers.

The one thing I know is that I want the future I'm trying to cultivate with patience, love, and curiosity.

I want to tell stories and illustrate them. I want to explore the forests and gardens of the Pacific Northwest as I gather inspiration for my art and my life. I want to feel rich, not with gold or money but with holding fresh produce in my tote bag. I want to be quiet, gentle, and kind. I want to spend more time reading and contribute to the communities and efforts I care about. I want to wander down dirty streets with my green hair and scuffed boots feeling like I finally fit in, even though the world has tried its best to make me conform and dull my spirit.

On this first of January, before I begin my residency writing workshop and have much more to update about, I leave you with this message I read on the back of a Bigfoot patch I got at Powell's City of Books:

Believe in yourself. You pushed past your comfort zone, and the naysayers. You listened to your gut. You know you are beautiful, valuable, and lovable. You won't let others stifle you. You Are a true believer!

In 2024, I am starting to believe in myself. I hope you will too.

~Nikolai Sergei Razumov